You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
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