When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
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