She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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