It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Loading more great texts...