At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
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