So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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