So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Loading more great texts...