You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Houston, we have a blender
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Loading more great texts...