So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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