I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
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