Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
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