I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
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Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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