Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
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