and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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