I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
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