That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
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