Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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