Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
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