I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
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