so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
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From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
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