Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
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