He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
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