Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
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