I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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