Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
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