That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Loading more great texts...