look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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