I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
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