hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I only lived at night.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
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