Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
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