i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Be still, my beating vagina.
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