What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
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