New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
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