Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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