I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
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