we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Send us your Text From Last Night!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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