Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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