Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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