There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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