Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You have to summon your inner elephant
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Loading more great texts...