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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
they're like a gay fantastic four
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was like getting head from an anaconda
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Even my vagina gasped.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You're like the curious george of whores
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
porn star boner night. come get it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Say something about gay babies.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
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