Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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