couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
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