I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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