We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Loading more great texts...