Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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