Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
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