he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
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