He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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