I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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